i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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