I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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