cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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