my phone needs a breathalizer
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
