Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
