we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
