I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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