Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
