omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
