He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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