I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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