im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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