And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
