Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
