I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
no you cant smoke seaweed
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
