Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
