There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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