OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
