last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We named our party play list daddy issues
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
