I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
