i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
