Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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