you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
