The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Randomize
