this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
