I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
