This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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