Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
