maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
