I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
