You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
