Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
