im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
