even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You pole danced in your parka.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
