I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
