By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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