after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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