just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
pop tarts are not kleenex
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
