A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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