Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
