Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You are a genius and a whore.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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