We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my liver is dry heaving
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
