Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
