He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
