I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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