You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
