I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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