you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
