dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
