i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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