I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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