My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
