Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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