Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
