when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
